Heist
by Jack Vertigo
Summary: Three guys plan a heist to buy a monkey.
1. Heist Monkey

**Watch this link first. Seriously. It's hilarious. And you won't know what I'm talking about if you don't. **

**And thanks ToadFlame for the first review! **

**http: / / .com / watch?v=B4tVxNKA1Qs**

**Just delete the spaces and copy and paste it in your taskbar since fanfic doesn't allow links.**

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><p>This is a story about how guys wish they could be part of a heist and about several guys doing that. And owning a monkey.<p>

Does your life ever get stuck in a rut so bad that you can just sleep in for hours and when you wake up you find your halfway through your day? Kal's life was like that. And he hated it. Sometimes he would be so miserably bored with his rut that he would get onto the elevator alone and when the doors closed he'd start screaming and banging his head on the walls and when the doors would open he'd be standing perfectly normal except bleeding from the head. There wasn't anything in his life he wouldn't give away.

Part of his rut was his Friday movie, when his two friends would bring a movie over to his place and they'd watch it and eat pizza on his couch. The first friend's name was Kenny. Nobody likes someone named Kenny, it's just a law of nature to which he was no exception. His second friend was K.F. but nobody knew what that stood for.

Kal could sense his two friends walking down the hall like Obi-Wan Kenobi, "I sense a disturbance in the force." Without removing his staring eyes from the wall he reached over and opened the door. When they entered they were smiling. Those two were perfectly content with there lives. But Kal was the leader, so what he wanted went...

The movie was called, "Heat." I was 1995 action about a heist. It was like soccer. Two teams walking up and down the field for two hours shooting but nobody scoring until the end. At first it was just like any other action, one explosion after the other, but then it started to sink in on Kal. It clicked, then it became a spiritual experience for him like a journey to the Mecca of heists. Then it all made sense to him like when you get high and suddenly everything makes sense like you've unlocked the secrets to the universe, but you haven't, your just high.

The final explosion ended the movie. Kal just sat there with a thousand yard stare.

Then Kal stood up and waved his hands for emphasis. "Guys, we gotta do that. You _know_ after watching that movie your like, 'I wanna _do_ that!'"

K.F. got off the couch too. "Yeah, us and every other guy here on the face of earth would want to do that."

Kal shook his head and waved his hands. "No, I mean we want to _do_ that more than we want a monkey. Any guy in this room would rather be part of a heist, than have a monkey."

Kenny said, "Even if the monkey could talk?"

Kal pointed at Kenny. "Shut up, Kenny. We want this even more than a monkey that we could dress in armor and do battle with."

K.F. shook his head. "I don't know. We'd be pretty stoked driving home from work knowing that there's a monkey with a sword hiding somewhere in your home waiting to ambush you."

Kal threw his hands up. "Guys we want- Nay- We _need _to do this more than we need a monkey."

Kenny stood up. "Whoa, even more than a _talking, battling, MONKEY! _Dude, you're serious about this heist thing, aren't you?"

Kal pushed Kenny back down. "Yes, Kenny, I'm serious. When you bring the Monkey into things, it's guy code for, 'YES I'M FUCKING SERIOUS!'"

K.F. Made a face at Kal. "Dude, we'd get shot and bleed out all over the news with people laughing at us because we did something stupid like forget our guns on the desk. Embarrassed. All over the news. Worst bank robbers ever."

Kal. "But we'd still be _on _the news!"

Kenny looked at Kal. "Even more than a _monkey?"_

Kal looked at Kenny like he was going to strangle him with his own tongue. "See, Kenny, there's always a Karen in a group. A Karen is someone nobody likes. And this is why _you're _the Karen of this group. People are like, Karen's such a douche bag. She's a literal bag of douche. And then Karen walks up and you're like, 'Hey, Kare! Karen, what's up, Kare?'"

K.F. "Dude, you're serious about this Heist, thing?"

Kal put his hands on K.F.'s shoulders and looked him in the eye like he was going to tell him the most important thing in the world. "Dude. Monkey. I. Am. Serious."

Kenny got an idea. "If we rob a bank, can we buy a monkey and pay for monkey school so it can learn to talk?"

Kal put his hand on Kenny's shoulder and solemnly said, "Yes, Kenny. In the words of Obama, 'Yes we can.'"

Okay, now the goal is to get together a team. We've pretty much got every corner covered. Kenny, (who either has an internet girlfriend or who's girlfriend _is _the internet) can be our hacker. HE can get us into the vault where the cash is. K.F. Who works at Starbucks can supply us with the guns. (I call AK 47! (You only _think _Starbucks doesn't have guns.)) And then there's me. I'm the brains and leader of this operation. Even if I did get my boyscout team lost when I was the leader. I didn't feel I needed to tell them that.

But there's on spot we need to fill. The driver. We need someone with a van someone who will drive up covering us from the bullets coming at us and then peel off with us in it. But there are two parts to this. There's the easy part, which is finding someone with a van. The hard part is finding a van that hasn't had weed smoked in it so many times you could get high just from being in there without the window rolled down. You know that every one who owns a van is either a kidnapper or a junkie. And we can't trust a junkie not to get high on us and do something stupid. Which lands us bleeding out on the news. And a kidnapper we don't trust not to slit our throats when we sleep.

So we need a guy with a van who's solid. He's got to be solid and cool. It took us a days but we finally found one. K.F. Was on the phone and came rushing out from the kitchen and said to Kenny and I, "Guys, guys, guys!"

Kenny was trying to defy human anatomy and lick something off his elbow.

Kal lifted his head up from hanging over the couch. "What, what what?"

K.F. raised his hands like a touchdown. "I tracked down my old college roomy, and he's got a van! We could so talk him into the heist thing. He's so strapped for cash he'd do it for a snicker's bar! And he's too poor to be a junkie and too lame to be a kidnapper. He's perfect!"

Kal hit his fist into his palm. "Good. That's great news because I just discovered we only have three days to pull this heist thing off."

"Why do we only have three days to pull the heist off?" Kenny said between attempted licks.

Kal paused, disturbed by his licking. "Because I already stole the AK's from Starbucks and I figure we have three days to before they figure out we took them."

K.F. dropped the phone. "Dude! You already stole the guns! I can't show my face to any of my co-workers now! Not even Lola! They'd all turn me in. Starbucks makes sure its employees are loyal to them like the Hitler Youth was to Hitler."

"Acceptable losses," Kal said. "Now, how about that buddy of yours, is he solid? Is he solid and is he cool? Can he be solid and cool in three days?"

"That's another thing," K.F. said. "All the successful heists have taken months if not years to plan. Why would ours work if we only have three days to figure it out?"

"No questions! Now make me a sandwich."

But then a day and a half later the getaway plan went to the toilet and a big fat guy sat on it.

"What did you just say?" Kal shouted.

"What did you just say?" Kenny said.

"Shut up Kenny," Kal and K.F. said at the same time.

"The getaway's hosed, man. Nothin' we can do about it." K.F. said.

"But let me get this straight: you trusted our getaway and our lives to a guy that was so dangerously stupid that he sneaked Mexicans across the border in his van and they stopped off at Taco Bell for a snack-"

"It sounds bad when you put it like that."

"Where they (I can't think of a joke for this. He does something stupid that gets him cuaght sneaking mexicans across the border. If you can think of one, let me know in the reviews and I'll post it if I like it.)

"That was pretty stupid, K.F." said Kenny.

"Shut up, Kenny," K.F. and Kal said at the same time.

Kal rubbed his temples. "Now we have one day, _ONE _day to find a driver. How are we going to do that?"

Kenny looked at his watch. "Where's the pizza? It was supposed to be here!"

"Shut up, Kenny!"

The doorbell rang.

Kal palmed his fist. "No, no. Trust me, this guys solid. I vouch for him. He's solid and he's cool."

K.F. spread his hands. "Dude, we just met this guy! We don't know anything about him!"

Kal put his hand on K.F.'s shoulder. "And for all the five minutes I've known him, he's been solid and cool. Trust me on this."

"Dude we don't know anything about this guy!"

"Yes we do! He's the pizza guy-"

"Who delivered our pizza late!"

"He's the pizza guy who's got a van, is the strong silent type and will do whatever we tell him like a freaking robot. And he owns a monkey. A monkey!"

Kenny said, "I say we let him in!"

K.F. said, "But we don't know if we can trust him. For all we know he's only a part time pizza boy and a full time cop."

Kal looked offended, "He owns a Monkey! Need I remind you that owning a monkey is guy code for, 'trustworthy.'"

Kenny said, " I say we let him in, only if he brings the monkey."

Kal said, "Trust me. This guy's solid. He's solid and he's cool."

"But he's not cool, is he?" said K.F.


	2. Where's the van!

**I'm going to get so much crap for this one. You'll see. Anyways, it took me a couple days, but here it is, the second half of the Heist. Enjoy. (PS. Thanks to keylimeluvr1682 for adding to alerts.) **

This is what happens when three guys plan a heist in three days.

Akakakakaka!(The sound of automatic gunfire.) (Shut up.)

Kal was walking down Main street with an AK 47 in front of the bank. "Where's the van? The van was supposed to be here!"

Kenny came on the radio. He was in the bank on the computer. "Just give me a minute. I just need one more minute to hack into the mainframe."

Akakakakakakaka!

KF came up behind him with covering fire. "Dude, the cops have called in the SWAT. We've got to get out of here now!"

"Just give me a minute. I'm almost past the firewall."

Kal said, "Where's the fucking van? It was supposed to be here!"

"Dude, Kal, you got something on your face."

"Dude, no names. Where's the van?"

"Seriously it's like a red moving zit." KF's eyes bulged. "Holy shit it's a laser sighter! Get down!" KF pushed Kal behind a wrecked car just as a bullet hit the side walk. "No, no, no, no! Dude, the SWAT's here, we gotta go now! We're so screwed!"

Kal pulled his mask above his mouth. "No, we gotta wait for the van! Without the van we're screwed!"

"I'm in Friendster! They rerouted me into Friendster!"

"Where's the fucking van?"

"Dude, we gotta get outta here!" KF said. "It's only a matter of time before we run out of ammo! I'm low on ammo, dude!"

"I need a minute. Just give me a minute."

The SWAT negotiator came onto the microphone from a safe distance away. "This is Kent Nelson of the YJL. The PD has informed us of your demands and we've considered. We have come to the decision... That we're not going to meet your demands. What do you think about _that?"_

KF hung his head. "We're dead."

"Just give me a minute. I just need one more minute."

KF said. "Dude, can we please leave _now?"_

Kal arched his head over cover to look out. "If we try to make it on foot, we _are _dead. We have to wait for the van. Without the van, we're hosed. Where's the van?"

"I told you we couldn't rely on this guy! I told you!"

A bullet put a hole in the car above Kal's head. "Okay, let's go."

"Seriously, now?"

"It's such a nice day for a walk."

"What about Kenny?"

"Screw Kenny, he's weak! Let's go!"

"Finally!"

Kal and KF, still crouched, moved out of cover and planned to shoot there way out of the police barricade. Guns blazing, Kal was almost to the barricade shooting bullets like an angry woman at her fiance's wedding, when, "Ah, shit!" He fell to the ground.

KF came up behind him, shotgun firing. "Dude what happened?"

"I got shot right here in the back of the leg, what do you think happened?"

"Well, I don't know! You could have tripped."

"Tripping doesn't scatter my muscle tissue all over the fucking backdrop!"

"Dude, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"I don't _care_!" Kal said.

"They rerouted me back into Friendster. Just give me a minute!"

Kal said, "It stings, but it makes me feel kinda cool at the same time!"

"Dude, you're thinking about how cool being shot is when we're cornered by the cops?"

"Fine." Kal lifted his head. "No, no, no, no! Bleeding from the leg! Where's the van!"

And speaking of the Devil, the van came screeching around a corner and up the street where it plowed into the police barricade and right next to them where they were pinned down, holding the cops at bay with bullets.

And the back doors opened and they saw the most beautiful sight they had ever seen in there lives. Holding the door opened and pointing with its thumb, the monkey said, "Get in the van!"

KF said, "Monkey, you taught yourself to talk!"

The monkey said, "I know! Now get in the van!"

"Okay," both Kal and KF said.

KF jumped in the van, then a second later remembered and came back out and dragged Kal into the van. From behind the wheel the driver (who's name is Conner, by the way) turned and said, "Let's kill these bitches!"

KF was crying. "I'll never doubt you again!"

Conner slammed the van into gear and they sped towards the bank. They drove up the stairs and broke through the revolving doors in a rain of glass and into the back room. "Just give me a minute, I just need one more minute to hack into the vault."

They grabbed Kenny by the collar of his shirt and pulled him into the van. "Hey guys, what gives I was almost there, I just needed one more minute!"

"Shut up, Kenny!" Everyone said.

"Uh, oh," KF said, as a team of SWAT surrounded the exit and charged the bank entrance with guns firing automatic. "Dude!" KF said to Conner. "You show up late, we were surrounded by SWAT and cops, and then you drove us inside the bank, when we're low on ammo, to save Kenny! Kenny! The guy who was destined to be stabbed in the head and die!"

Conner thought about this. "Well it sounds bad when you put it like _that_."

KF said, "Kenny you _suck_!"

Kenny said, "WTF!"

Kal looked across the row of incoming SWAT. "Guys, focus!"

The Monkey said, "Hey, use this!" In his monkey voice, and handed Kal a bazooka. Kal took it and smiled. He opened up the sun roof and stood up. He aimed it at the back wall and fired.

"Dude, the SWAT's the _other_ way!" KF said.

"Exactly."

The hole blown in the wall was barely big enough for the van to get through. Conner sped through it and Kal had to quickly duck back inside. "Dude!" He said as they scraped out and jumped the van through the air. It was ten feet to the ground and the van crashed into the ground where the van died never to come back, unless it turns out to be the Jesus of cars and three days later it comes back after the guys crucify it. But they didn't have time for that.

They came out the back where they were least expected to come out, and the lot was evacuated with cars left abandoned. "Guy's quick, swap cars!" Kal said and they all piled out, forgetting and returning for Kal again.

"Okay, here's one," Kal said.

"Dude, look at the bumper stickers!" Said KF. "It's a fucking priest's car! Do you want to burn in hell?"

"We don't know if it's a priest's car, now hurry, get in!" Said Kal.

"Dude, read the stickers. 'Peace be with you'; 'I stop for alter boys'. Dude, it's the freaking _Pope's_ car!"

Kenny pointed, "Let's take _that_ car. It's a Prius, it get's like 45 miles to the gallon, which means we won't have to stop running for a long time!"

"Shut up, Kenny, only Karen's drive a Prius," said KF. "This is why you're the Karen of the group."

"Look, just rip the stickers off and let's go!" said Kal.

"Fine, but when we die and are taking the highway to heaven, I hope someone sticks a bumper sticker on _your _car that says, 'I'm with Satan'."

They piled in and hot wired the priest's car. Conner drove. In the back, KF found one of those stupid hat that priests wear and was trying it on. He couldn't get it to stay. "Is that why priests are always bald, so this hat can work as a suction cup and stay on there heads? 'Cuz that would make sense, I can see it now, 'Priest wanted, must be older than the Bible, bald, and must bring his own Holy Water."

"Shut up," Kenny said to KF. KF just glared at Kenny and Kenny swallowed. "Sorry, it seemed like the thing to say."

"Guys, play it cool," Kal said. "We're not out of the woods yet. We still gotta get outta here. I say, we do as we planned, head down to Mexico and party like it's the end of the world, until things have calmed down."

"But we didn't get the money, how are we going to pay for this?" KF said.

"Guys, we have a talking monkey. We can survive."

"I ain't being nobody's meal ticket, punk," said Monkey.

They were four blocks down when they heard the magic noise of the police siren.

"Oh, shit."

"Guy's, play it cool," Kal said. "We can do this. I'm just a priest heading to church and monkey's the alter boy. KF, give me the hat."

The officer came to there window. "Are you aware this section has been blocked off-Hey!" He pulled his gun. "You're the bank robbers! Get out of the car! Now!"

"We'll give you a monkey if you let us go."

"Well, what do we do now?" Kal said. They were well on there way to Mexico. Kenny was in the back muttering about the monkey, Conner was, well doing nothing, and KF was playing a gameboy. The Monkey was back with the police officer holding him up with his own gun. The officer wished he hadn't made that deal.

"Don't know," KF said. "How about a movie?"

"Sounds good. Sounds good..."

**Well, that's the last chapter. I don't really like it, but I didn't put much work into it so it turned out pretty good for the amount of effort. Hope you enjoyed.**


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